Spring Semester Tips- Idiot Version

Got a big exam coming up? Just don't study for it. Everything will fall into place.

During your OChem exam, sit right by the fire alarm. Once you've encountered that problem involving aldol condensation reactions and if you don't know what the hell an alpha-carbon is, you can pull the fire alarm. It saves everyone from the same predicament.

For biochem quizzes- the safest answer would be "phosphorylation". You'll get at least a 1% on the exam.

Drink lots of red bull and coffee when you study. That way, you'll be all fired up and you can study the entire night. Then you fall asleep while taking the exam.

When studying, apply the concept of osmosis and diffusion. Sleep with your head lying on the textbook. The knowledge will go down its gradient. Don't put a pillow. Remember Fick's law of diffusion- distance is inversely proportional to diffusion rate.

Again...an ochem lab technique- you wanna find out if alcohols are oxidized to carboxylic acids? Drink a lot of alcohol. This will cross the blood-brain barrier easily. Then it's gonna let you know how it does it. Trust me.

Wanna get into a lab? Work as a janitor and you'll have access to ALL the labs of your choice. You'll be working in genetics for 30mins, then you're delving into neuroscience for about an hour, and next thing you know you are learning how to minimize entropy under biochemical standard states in the biochemistry lab next door.

Premed? So screw all your classes and just get involved. You wanna stand out? Instead of shadowing a surgoen, shadow a butcher. Premed club president? How about being predsident of the Alcoholics Anonymous club? Volunteer in a clinic...in a VET clinic. Tell admissions people that you love to work with cats and dogs and that they share similar physiological mechanisms with humans like breathing, sleep, eating, etc. Participate in an anime club to show that you are a well-rounded person and that you can transcend language barriers by knowing songs in japanese and by knowing martial arts on cartoons. Start a club too. Maybe a cargo pants club will do. It's unique.

Good luck! Hope my tips help screw your chances of getting a great future. You can always flip burgers as a back-up.